Bitter Words. ♥

Thursday, September 27, 2007 ♥

& it'd be just like i said it'd be.

& horoscope says that:

In a business or school project, you will notice a big problem early in the day ... the good news is, you will have plenty of time to tackle it before the big deadline. Organize your approach and don't just pull apart everything and start over again. There are small adjustments you can make that will solve the problem, so take your time and don't rush things. In your private life, conflicts are starting to settle down today and it looks like everyone is back to loving each other again!

wow.
it's not true today.
hurr.

school & all i can rmb is papers & sleep & some talk.
& we had to waste time to practise walking.
i wanted to fall asleep right there on the stage-.-
smile,
firm handshake,
thank.
what if there's a fall?
hahhahhha.
oh yes & happily ever after?!
best theme ever yo-.=

my legs are aching due to god knows why :(
it's freaking painful la tiann.

& the moon is out tonight.
so my decision's right.

goodnight & bye.

Cheng
2:55 PM

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 ♥

hold on / let go?

& horoscope says:

Have you been giving someone the silent treatment? It won't do you much good ... you can't make your point unless you clearly communicate what you are feeling and what you need. People cannot read your mind. So get in touch and clear the air. If you are the one who is getting the silent treatment from someone else, reach out and check in with them. Find out if they are ready to talk. Approach things compassionately and with all your defenses down.

okay actually i'm glad i didn't send it yesterday.
cos i'd really regret it today.
hurr.
see la horoscope works okay-.-
tskk.
& today's one is,
oh my gosh true?
tian ar.

school's been -
soft ball-ed & i totally had no idea what i was doing la-.-
they tell me:
cheng very easy one, you just hit and run.
-wow like i can even hit?!
[the bat was so damned HEAVY-.-]
& then:
cheng, just catch the ball, throw to any base, done.
-but the ball just doesn't wanna stop rolling!
tskk!
i've never hated the sun more.
urgh:/

i'm really tired.
& i guess you can't read my mind.
just like how i can't read yours.
we're not saying, at all.
standing still & it's hard to breathe.
do you feel so too?
i don't think it works this way.
(:

bye.

Cheng
8:20 AM

Monday, September 24, 2007 ♥

talk & fight

Before you let yourself get hot under the collar when something outrageous happens today, do yourself a favor and stop for a moment to review the situation. Things that affect you might not be meant to affect you, so don not take anything personally. Be objective, analytical and cautions -- listen to your conservative side today and don't let yourself get caught up in the heated emotions of the moment. Most importantly, do not do anything rash today that you might regret tomorrow.

yeah well that's why i'm not sending it,
yet.
i really don't know if i'l regret.
guess i'l think about it for a bit first.

everything can be fine the first minute,
and not the next.
talk,
& fight.
haiiiii.

why can't everyone just say it out.?
P.S. everyone including me.
i guess speech difficulties contribute alot.

hi & i don't wish for now.
i don't wish to feel so :/

& i don't wish to complicate.
i wish to simplify.

goodnight & bye.

Cheng
2:56 PM

Sunday, September 23, 2007 ♥

& what happened to trust?

Not everything is going to go your way today -- but the things that need to happen are going to happen, so take some comfort in that. If this all sounds confusing, it will probably feel confusing ... so in order to keep yourself calm and collected today, learn how to accept. Bend and don't let anything or anyone get you too riled up. Don't be stiff with your ideas or rigid with your thinking. If you can roll with the punches, then you will never have to get into any power struggles.

great.
i anticipate what's coming-.-
maybe more problems to screw my life further.
but things can't get worse when it's already the worst can they?
oh well.
my life's been screwed up by me myself & i.
not anyone else.
everyone's got their own problems.
& it sucks to the max.

i need,
1 mark to shift up emaths grade.
2 marks to shift up chinese grade.
3 marks to shift up english grade.
i swear this sucks. :(

night studied yesterday.
had a 'talk' which didn't make me feel too good.
so much freaking guilt & idk what other bad feelings,
all accumulated tgt.
it's the first time these talks can actually get info out of me.
i mean,
i actually kinda wanted to talk.
oh wells.
i'm glad it was one-to-one btw.
contents sealed.
pheww.

hi & last night's call got me thinking.

i've made my decision.
idk if it's right but,
what's decided is decided.
isn't it.
now it's all down to if i can follow & stick to it.
don't you just wish i could, too?

Cheng
2:00 AM

Thursday, September 20, 2007 ♥

long ago & far away. ?

daddy just went back.
i'l have to learn once again to deal with things alone.
hello & what happened to siblings?
sorry.
i'm alone.
will always be.
wow great.
just the thing i need right about now,
NOT. :(

it's been a wonderful nice hot sunny day.
found ways to entertain life & waste time.
came home dead tired.
i felt so weak like i was gonna faint anytime-.-
later on found out why.
tskk.
today's the 19th.
it's late by 18 days yo.
no wonder it's killing me now.
TSK TSK TSK.

okay i totally forgot what i wanted to say.
my stm is getting worse.
oh welllllll.

if the truth that you're after might just break your heart,
would you want the truth,
or your heart?

hmm.

Cheng
2:35 PM

Monday, September 17, 2007 ♥

all the hurt we've learnt to hide so well

hi & blogger was being :/
i've actually typed this bloody long post & it just DISAPPEARED.
thanks very much.

today-
lunch out with parents,
then sentosa with them,
dad's bright ideas-.-
i swear i devote so much of my time to him when he's here okay.
he'd better be glad.
i really don't have much affection for sentosa but,
dad.
i'm such a good daughter i should win some award.
don't you think?
HAHHA.
i kept texting though.
aiyah what to do text seemed more interesting then sentosa.
hurr.
later on car-viewing trip.
damn it i liked that car:/
but my mission was to discourage dad-.-
oh welllllls.
came home,
slept (as usual)
tuitioned.

today was such a cold day.
i put a sweater on.
rained last night & this morning.
sleepless night.
tskk.
i hate it when all those thoughts flood my brain.
i know they won't do me good.
but yet again,
i need to think it through.
sooner or later.
so i'd rather now.
hope tonight some results show.

one last night.

current songs:
the great escape- boys like girls
leave out all the rest- linkin park
i'l never stop- Nsync
everytime- britney spears (omg this is old, but oh wells)
jenny- the click five
say goodnight- the click five

BYE.

Cheng
10:35 AM

Sunday, September 16, 2007 ♥

i can't be who you are

hi & i slept for only 4 hours plus yesterday due to my very own verbal diarrhea.
i've caught up the the recent news!
aren't you proud of me?
HURHURHURRR.

morning-
photoshoot in school followed by shopping with mom & dad.
watch, chinatown.
korean food, west coast yum yum yum.
& now i'm hereee.
later town-ing with parents again.
i hate wearing my whites to go out la can.
tskkk.
look like bridesmaid!
that's why i'm home to change.
smart rightt.
i know.
:DD

hello i'm sleepy.
goodnightt(:

shoutout,
kevin: HUR sometimes i'm online but just appearing off y'know. hahha. next time, try your luck kay. what's the problem?? whoa so exciting! HAHH. hurry tell me. hahhahh.

BYE.

Cheng
5:50 AM

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 ♥

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

hello there the world (:
hush hush & i'm addicted to 'don't speak'.
so prelims' still in it's sucky state.
not surprising huh.
someone was being very very weird on msn today.
gosh:/

today is actually a very happy day for me.
there's no paper for me tmr,
uh means no school (:
& means no need to study today! (:
daddy's arriving later so i'l be airport-ing (:
i ate blueberry pie today (:

i recieved a sweet sweets post today.
i got a shock okay.
when i saw that big fat packet-letter lying in the letterbox.
hurr yeah la i was excited la happy? -.-
hahh.
& i really wanna thank you,
'who else',
yes yes it made my day(:
but as you already know,
i'm just gonna stare at them
pretty colourful sweets.
so you can forget about me eating them.
HURR.
& i'm not emo-ing la tsk tsk.
i'm a happy girl today(:

for everyone else studying for your papers for tmr,
good luck & don't stress yourselves out kay.
(:

mom wanna bring me shopping like err now?
hahh.
okay i'm off.
BYE.

Cheng
10:45 AM

Monday, September 10, 2007 ♥

i'm blogging almost everyday see how uninteresting my life is?
830-tuition 1 [just ended]
1130-tuition 2
emmmm.

waited till 3 last night.
the moon wasn't out & there were no stars for me to wish on.

i'm online so often cos i don't wanna face the four walls at home and start thinking.
i'm online so i'l talk and get cheered up by the people around.
i'm online to blog so that i'd not keep everything inside.
but really,
i don't even know what i've been doing.
if you ask me,
'what'd you do yesterday?'
i won't know.
it's like lost memory.
i'm keeping myself busy by doing things that i can't even rmb,
i'm hurrying time to pass.
but not realising that there'l still be time for as long as i'm alive.

mom wants shopping today.
i've realised shopping-happiness,
is so damn temporary.
it'l just brainwash you,
tells you that you're happy.
but really,
it's just another thing to keep you busy to refrain the thoughts.

i hate the nights,
when i have nothing to keep myself busy at,
and dreamland just refuse to come.

i swear i think too much.
but in this house,
how can that not be possible?

i really want a furry baby now to hug. :(
& i know saying doesn't help.
but that's all i can do.

rahh.
problems.

Cheng
2:22 AM

Sunday, September 09, 2007 ♥

okay so blogger's being weird.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
i shouldn't be here now. :(

& i just realised this' the song i've been trying to find for ages.
like oh my tian totally an emo song.
thanks mj,
yet again.
hahha i owe you a treat.
you name it.
HURR(:

i freaking want a furry dog mans.
what's wrong with that la:///////
then my furry baby can study bio with me right now. :(

current songs:

running- no doubt
don't speak- no doubt
underneath it all- no doubt
i'd wait for life- take that
heavily broken- the veronicas
leave out all the rest- linkin park
i'l never stop- Nsync

WHOA ALL OLD SONGS.
mj ar,
all your fault la.
i'm like addicted to no doubt.
emmmmm.

If you ever turn away,
If you ever change your mind,
If the road ahead becomes too hard to climb,
If there's something in your heart that tells you to stop;

i want a full moon with stars that i can wish on tonight.

BYE.

Cheng
9:47 AM

okay, i really love this alot.

thanks friend for these, <3

hi mj i've put this up! (: & i think it's damn cool, however he did it.

ancient photo! :O

hi i'm such an early bird i'd get all the worms in the world!
hahha.
it's a saturday,
which means sunday then prelims.
& erm hi cheng how's studying going?
ohh like super smooth yo,
my books are still collecting dust.
i bet no one else is like this la huhh.
omg i'm like waitting to screw my exam.
RAHH.

okay tuition's cancelled.
hi i totally woke up early for NOTHING -.-
walao i still want my dreamland la huh.
tmr i'm gonna die.
tuition 1 then tuition 2.
no break.
whoa whoa whoa.
yes i'm freaking digging my own grave la tiannn.
aye no one wanna watch dead silence is it?!
hahhh.
everyone just give me 'the look' and tell me i'm mad/crazy/siao/retarded.
what's wrong with that show?!

was talking to friend online,
one part:

friend: you wanna watch dead silence?
cheng: uh huh.
friend: but you never ever watched horror!
cheng: so? i wanna now. hahh.
friend: and you wanna drive nine cars?
cheng: uh huh.?
friend: but you can't drive!
cheng: I CAN LOR! just not on the roads..YET.
friend: but 3 more years eh, seriously.
cheng: i know la. i think for my future. HAHA.
friend: omg. and you want candy/lollipop?
cheng: uh huhhh?
friend: but you seldom eat sweets my dear.
cheng: i also didn't say i wanna eat them right.
friend: then what, stare at them ar. -.-
cheng: whoa smart how you know!
friend: hahhhahahahhha.
cheng: ?!
friend: you should go & see a psychiatrist.
cheng: huh why?!
friend: your brain is decaying.
cheng: AYE wth?!?!?!

she's so irritaing la huhh.
she doesn't make sense and yet she claim MY brain is decaying.
like HELLO?!
stupid friend -.-
but yes thank you stupid friend for the candy picture i love it. (:
hurr and the heart one toooooo!
i didn't know you'd photoshop.
OH WELLS.
dead silence friend,
ANYTIMEE.
HURR.
unless i change my mind.
[highly unlikely] (:

alights so yesterday was talking abt that.
y'know,
i can't stand it,
it just isn't right.
i feel so stress for them.
like wth la how can it just go like THAT.
watching it happening and it just isn't fair!
wth.
that's not the way it's supposed to be!
i feel so unfair for them! ://
TIANN.
okay i need to chill.
anyways if needed,
know that i'd be here for you all,
okay? (:

i'm really gonna try and knock some bio into my head today.
before panic attack come.

current songs:

sorry, blame it on me- akon
easy- paula deanda
stranger- hilary duff
4 in the morning- gwen stefani
star girl- mcfly

BYE.

Cheng
1:31 AM

Saturday, September 08, 2007 ♥

cheng, ruiwei, seiyuu, grace.

cheng & grace

rena, cheng, kim, mer.

& so i found some old pictures.
memories;
they don't come cheap.

& hi mj for your sake i'm posting pictures.
is this considered a picture filled post?
tskk whatever la huh huh at least have pictures yo.
hurry say cheng's the best!
hahha go mj say it say it!
HURR.

so tennis with ginny last night,
i changed the grip MYSELF hahh be proud of me mans.
then came home and washed up and everything,
& just nice timing for incredible tales.
my maid watched with me cos i was so scared to watch it alone.
but she kept making noise like:
huh!
eeeeeee!
ahhh!
and tian i swear i was scared esp after my phone incident earlier on in the day.
hahha but now i wanna watch dead silence heard it's good.
anyone brave enough?
HAHHA text me. (:

& after tv i was supposed to come online,
sorry m:/
i fell asleep on the sofa.
so now thanks to my own smart-ness my whole body is aching like abc.
RAH.
& i dreamt a terrible dream. :(

BYE.

Cheng
1:06 AM

Friday, September 07, 2007 ♥

hi & my perfect plan to study today totally fell flat to the ground.
hur my books don't like me today.
try tmr
:x

so i was stoning at home,
staring at the sky wondering this & that.
when my phone started playing,
do shi ni by guang liang.
I SWEAR NO ONE TOUCHED MY PHONE.
the first second it was sitting on the floor right beside me,
the next,
music started playing on it's own.
erm hi it's the seventh month,
please don't scare me like that:/
i don't like.
i'm gonna interpret it as i accidentally pressed sth that somehow made it play.
okay it must be.
://///

i was just talking to mj online.
one part:

cheng: i need to bath and i wanna eat ice cream:/
cheng: hurrr and i want lolipop also! hahh.
mj: you're like craving for so many thing uh.
cheng: hahha yeah you know i wanna drive nine cars! HAHHHHA i think i'm crazy?!
mj: yeah! HAHHA. why don't you just drive one with the number 9 on it???

HAHAHHAHAHHAHHA.
i think it's damn funny!
Mj is totally out of pointttt!
she's so funny lar tiann.
hahhahahha.

Cheng
7:05 AM

OMG & MJ MADE THAT FOR ME!
:O
omg i'm like,
TOUCHED YO.
hurrrr.
it's so pretty pretty pretty!
PRETTY CANDIES! :D

haven't seen that for quite a while & yes i miss pretty candies. :(
haii should go & get some soon.
i rmb telling mj i want some nice pretty candy picture,
and PUFF!
THERE!
haha.
THANK YOU MJ VERY VERY MUCH!
<33 you to the max! (:

yesterday.
tuition in the morning then rushed down to town.
whoa mabel was earlier than me -.-
go & die luh huh m so early for whattt.
HAHHA.
so shopping made our day?
yes yes very much. (:
don't wanna list the things we bought,
it's not very little?
HURHURR.
& mabel cheah had some special shopping to do :D
i swear we walked so much my legs are gonna break break break.
hahha.
stupid mabel made me eat://
but she made me laugh so much!
hahh she's so,
retarded.

saw some people-

okay so today's plan is to study,
then tennis with ginny at night.
alright.
it's time to say hi to my books (:

Cheng
1:00 AM

Wednesday, September 05, 2007 ♥

& horoscope says,

By today, you have pushed through the most confusing part of your little emotional obstacle course -- and things are starting to look clearer and you are starting to feel much happier. Your place among your friends is secure, and you know just where you stand. Hold onto your rising optimism, because it will take you the rest of the way. The going is not going to be so rough anymore, and you are about to experience an extended period of peace, relaxation, and contentment.

hahh.
don't ever tell me horoscopes ain't true anymore.
i will try my best to hold on to my optimism yes yes(:

today.
morning went to school for 3.5 freaking hours of chem-.-
came home,
slept.
woke up,
online.
later on in the evening,
tennis with ginny.

so it's another food-less day.
i'm not hungry:/
shopping day,
i really really wanna buy alot of stuffs still.
i,
can't,
wait(:
grad's-day-clothes-shopping's half done,
my blouse is gonna make me look ultra guai(:
oh yay man i'm such a good girl.
i shall shop and complete the guai look with a guai skirt
and a pair of guai heels.
with guai hair and guai make up,
and guai accesories and guai clips.
HAHHA sorry i'm getting drifted away.
kinda,
imaginary today(:

eh but brown hair+white clothes,
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
please don't let me look horrible.
HAHHA.

so i heard she's looking all weird.
cos she's all girly.
though i didn't see,
but i still think she'l look pretty.
even if she's girly hahha.
aiyah come on lar.
she is like some natural beauty please.
girly or not(:

song,
Inconsolable - Backstreet Boys
Love Story - Katharine McPhee
mj?
HURR(:

Cheng
8:05 AM

Tuesday, September 04, 2007 ♥

OKAY.

so i woke up at 11++ with a horrible horrible nightmare:/
totally opened my eyes and still saw vivid images.
i was breathing so hard i thought my lungs would burst or sth.
TIANN :(
err am i supposed to say it out so it won't come true?
or is it the other way round?
aiyah i never got it right-.-
okay so when my heartbeat got a little normal,
thenn i carried on with my day.
hahh.

didn't take breakfast cos i didn't want to.
then noon came and mom wanted foot massage.
so holland v-ed (yucks i hate that place) with mom for it.
it was raining non stop la haii why is God so sad:/
and the foot massage person told me,
i shouldn't always be using heels,
cos it'l tighten my muscles.
LIKE WHATEVER MANS,
don't you think?
what's my heels got to do with anything lar:/
jealous of my height just say lorr.
HAHHA OKAY KIDDING!(:
but seriosuly right..
hah okayokay i'l shut up.

hmmm then sakae-d with mom
and i'm sorry for being so not interested in food:/
i just had no appetite..
aiyah tmr will be better(:
hmmm then i pulled mom to go shopping with me.
hur and shopping totallly MADE MY DAY(:
hahh more sessions coming up.
woooo i can't wait(:

okay then mom wanted dinner so pasta for her,
strawberry-banana juice for cheng.
and mom got quite pissed.
she thought walking ard would make me hungry.
hahh now i know why she agreed to shopping
-
to make me eat-.-
hahh but i bought so many stuff la.
and i felt so bad:/
so i decided to be a good girl and just eat something.
but i couldn't be bothered by anything food related.
so i bought,
CHEESECAKE.
hahh nothing to be cap-ed abt i just wanted to caps that word.
HAHHA.
mom ate most of it under my smart sharing skills.
hehh.
so now i'm home with two mouthfuls of cheesecake in my stomach
and oh,
a glass of strawberry banana.

saw some people today.

dad just called and nothing's new abt him being drunk once again.
for the billion's time i really wanted to hang up.
i don't know how mom puts up with him this way.
he never listens.
i have enough and one fine day i might just do sth to stop everything.
RAHH.
spoil my mood.
://////////////////

alcohol,
should disappear from earth.

ohh noo it's midnight:/
goodnight & bye.

Cheng
3:03 PM

Sunday, September 02, 2007 ♥

maybe that's the thing about first crush.
though late,
it can still hurt,
alot.
i should have been more alert,
to see the cycle coming once again.
i guess i was blinded by everything else.

woke up with a terrible headache at 5 am.
it hurt so much the tears came.
fuck it.
i'm so useless.
i thought today everything'l be fine.
or at least a little better.
but no.
apprently it's worse.

tutor came and was shocked to see how puffed my eyes are-.-
i was shocked by my own reflection in the mirror too-.-
i look like a goldfish yo.
must be because i drank too much water yesterday.
must be.
emotional breakdown halfway through tuition.
cos in the mids of trying to cheer me up,
and make me concentrate on the lesson,
tutor HAD to mention about fireworks.
he totally thought i was nuts i think.
who will hear the word 'fireworks' then start crying?!
hahh.
sadly,
no one yo.
no one except for a useless nut like me.

i'l just post all my feelings up here.
so when i get better,
which is soon,
i'm sure,
you'l know it too.
i'm a very positive person.
naturally optimistic.
hahh.
nothing can hit me hard.
nothing(:

i'm not escaping from it.
i'm learning to deal with it.
i did it before,
so it'd be easier now.
i just need maybe,
a little time,
and mental strength.
sadly,
apologies doesn't work for now.
and i don't need your apology.
you've nothing to be sorry for.
i'l never admit you've hurt me.
the pain that i'm going through now,
however hurtful it can be,
i'l take it as normal reaction,
or infection once again on my previous scar.
that's why it's so bloody painful.
i believe you meant everything you've said.
i believe you for your feelings for me.
since the start,
i've never doubted it,
and will never doubt it.
and i know you're going through much more shit compared to me.
i know time is bloody important.
for everyone.
please take good care of yourself.
i'm not gonna say goodbye.
i guess it's called time off maybe.
so no goodbyes.
since we all dislike that.

Cheng
9:51 AM